Several days ago I unduly alarmed my wife, not for the first time and probably not for the last. Our son had just rejoined Facebook, and in adding him to my list of family, I must have moused over the rest of the family status drop-down boxes in my hurry. Somehow, when I saved the change, it not only named Andrew as son in my profile, but also changed my relationship status from "married" to "it's complicated". I suppose I could theorize on the reasons why the drop-down box choice of "it's complicated" is right below that of "married", but the key fact is that soon I was receiving alarmed queries from all quarters. Within a couple of minutes I figured out what I had done and corrected it, but the damage was done. That's right, I had to explain to my wife why I had termed our marriage as "complicated" for all the world to see. I can certainly thank not my own silver tongue but her vast understanding (or her 25-year experience of my clumsiness and fumbling inattention to detail) for the result that she laughed at me rather than sending me to the doghouse for a couple of days.
The whole sordid incident has me thinking about marriage now, and why "it's complicated" might be a really perfect term for a healthy marriage anyway. I have been married now since 1990, and I know that Stacey and I are somewhat of a statistical anomaly to have been married so long when we violated so many of the common-sense rules. Got married not only young but before we finished college, and then had kids immediately rather than waiting until we could afford them. We moved here and there to support each other's careers, finally ending up out here in Texas hours away from all other family.
We have never been just alike, but have agreed on the big ideas and values such as how to raise kids, what we want out of life, politics, religion. Although we share a lot of common interests of taste, there is enough diversity of preference in music and movies so that we can still have our own standards of what we enjoy. I suppose that since we each have our own interests, we have something new to offer the other. Or at least I hope so. I think one of the ways you stay together is that you neither grow so far apart that you no longer even share things in common or grow so alike that you bore each other to death. Or at least I hope so.
One of the things I learned a long time ago that I credit with making my marriage stronger is that love is a verb rather than a noun. And as a verb, it is an active verb rather than passive. And instead of being just a transitory feeling or emotion, love is a deliberate daily choice to put someone else's interests ahead of or equal to your own. I am just as prone to Hollywood notions of breathless romantic swooning love as anyone else, but what these flights of fancy ignore is the reality of deliberation. Even if I am fatigued, distracted, angry, or moody, I endeavor to act in a manner that is in accord with the marriage vows I made to Stacey in front of God and our families and friends. Either in concert with or in spite of the emotions of love, the action and will of love is what testifies to the depth and strength of my commitment. Also, I attest that you can become more in love by changing your outlook. By dwelling on your spouse's good points rather than minor irritations, by noticing anew the very reasons why you fell in love to begin with, you will find yourself feeling more in tune and closer simply by ignoring outside distractions and paying attention to what is really important.
I think that our strengths and weaknesses have always complemented each other. At times she is the one responsible for calming me down when I grow too fanciful or engaged with too much activity. On the other hand, I sometimes take the lead in keeping her involved with social events or friends when she might initially prefer to stay at home. Generally, I am more extroverted than she is, and she is more practical and level-headed than I am, and I find that a lot of successful marriages are made of this blend of personalities.
Of prime importance, though, is the team we make. If separately we make plenty of mistakes, as a partnership we are pretty surefooted. Together we have gotten not only into but out of a lot of situations that would have defeated us alone. Together we have agonized over decisions involving family, finances, careers. Together we have sat down time and again at the kitchen table to plan, to compromise, to decide. This reliance on each other and the team we make has kept us on each other's side; the statement that "you know, this argument shouldn't get in the way of the fact that we're on the same team" has the power to put minor annoyances in perspective in short order.
So, maybe after all it's NOT complicated. Maybe the key to our marriage has always been this stubborn reliance on each other. I know she is my most ardent fan, which includes being my most exacting critic, because she knows what I am capable of and will not let me settle for less than the best. I supply the same function for her. Through it all, we know that regardless of a temporary condition, we are there in partnership with each other, and that we each carry a safe place in our heart for the other.
Still, just to be safe, I'm gonna make sure that I exhibit more care when changing those damn Facebook settings.
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